PIERS MORGAN: I'm not going to be tough on Giovanni … this stick insect couldn't lift a lump like me

Tuesday December 1st

Just when I was thinking that 2020 could not possibly get worse, I received terrible news that I was sent to permanent social Siberia by Kirstie Allsopp.

We fell out in March after she was caught breaking coronavirus lockdown rules by evacuating her family to Devon when her husband caught the virus.

Ms. Allsopp played the hurt-ego victim about the excitement, which was particularly insignificant given the number of real victims the pandemic unfortunately caused. When I tweeted this point she exploded with outraged anger with a bad mouth calling me "totally b ***** D!" And "scum" and blocked me on Twitter.

Now, my erasure from her life doesn't seem limited to just social media. When asked about me by the Daily Mail's weekend magazine, Ms. Allsopp summoned the full range of her very real delusions of royal stature to proclaim, "I'll never say anything about him again."

I will not recognize him. "

Interviewer Jenny Johnston remarked, "I suspect she made a small felt piers portrait that she pricks with a needle at night." Obviously I am disturbed by this development.

Ironically, I haven't been that upset since testing Covid-19 negative.

Wednesday December 2nd

Scotch eggs are the food of the moment and happen to be one of my favorite dishes to give them their new formal title.

Unfortunately, it didn't stop ringing alarm bells when Holly Willoughby wrote to me, "Piers, so weird, I was just talking to a guy who thought he knew you and asked me for your number.

I thought I should check with you first. His name is Scott Chegg. Do you know him? I have a picture of his WhatsApp if you want it? X '

"Never heard of him before," I replied. "But ping me the photo and I'll check it again." Ten seconds later came an image of a man's face sitting in the middle of a Scottish egg.

To say that Ms. Willoughby was thrilled to catch me with this viral prank is the understatement of the year. Her answer had so many emojis crying with laughter. I'm surprised she didn't drown in her own smug virtual tears.

Thursday 3rd December

My British colleague from Good Morning, Ranvir Singh, sheds light on Strictly Come Dancing with her amazingly good performances and gets her dance partner Giovanni Pernice to announce that he and I should be the first male same-sex couple for the next series.

"I would love to dance with him, sexy piers," he said. "I would love to take him to the dance floor and see what he's really made of." I would destroy his trust in a week.

In a week we will find out, "Who is this man? What is this? Is it really Piers?" ’

My British colleague Ranvir Singh (above, with Giovanni Pernice) highlights Strictly Come Dancing with her amazingly good performances

Hmmm. I have some thoughts on this cocky challenge.

1. Already on my 50th birthday I enjoyed a same-sex dance with another Italian strictly star – Bruno Tonioli. And Bruno's verdict on my dance floor movements? "That sizzled Swayze in Dirty Dancing with a dash of tempting Travolta and the nifty Nureyev!"

2. Giovanni is a 5-foot-9-inch stick insect, and I am a 6-foot-1-inch lump of melted muscle cartilage – and, I might add, a significantly larger lump at the end of two wine and cheese powered lockdowns – So I'd love to know how he's going to toss me through the air. As my usual fat damn Susanna Reid said, "The elevators could be … interesting."

3. I suggest Signor Giovanni watch one of my favorite films, Rocky IV, which is distinguished by Ivan Drago, who makes fun of Rocky Balboa: "I'll break you!" That didn't end so well … for Ivan.

Wednesday December 9th

Given how much outstanding journalism has been done by so many brilliant journalists this year, I was delighted to receive an Honorable Mention for Journalist of the Year at the British Journalism Awards.

At the online event (God, I can't wait to never use those words again …) host Dominic Ponsford said, “The judges praised a journalist who, with his early and haunting warnings, felt like a modern day Cassandra about the gravity the pandemic and who has consistently and forcefully held the government accountable while engaging a mass audience: Piers Morgan of GMB. & # 39;

For the less scholar among you, Cassandra was a priestess in Greek mythology who handed over the power of prophecy from a amorous Apollo, who was later cursed by him after rejecting his advances so that no one would ever believe her exact warnings threatening fate.

Coincidentally, Cassandra was also considered "astonishingly beautiful".

Thursday December 10th

Susanna Reid, 50 years old today, received an unexpected birthday present when she was announced as the owner of the world's greatest bum.

According to Harley Street cosmetic surgeon Dr. Riccardo Frati, who studied countless prominent posteriors for his survey using the “golden ratio” measurement system developed by Greek mathematicians (Leonardo Da Vinci used it to illustrate the optimal human male body in his iconic drawing Vitruvian man) – Susanna has the ideal 3 -2-3 proportions for the lower waist and chest.

Of course, with such a shameful objectification of her body, my archfeminist co-host would normally withdraw in false horror.

Susanna Reid (above), 50 years old today, received an unexpected birthday present when she was announced as the owner of the world's greatest bum.

Susanna Reid (above), 50 years old today, received an unexpected birthday present when she was announced as the owner of the world's greatest bum.

"I want to be judged by my brain, not my appearance," she regularly spits at me when I dare to comment on her appearance.

But strangely enough, when I told her that she had beaten Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé and J-Lo for the title of world's best back, Susanna started pounding insanely and cheered like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally: “YES! YES! YES! & # 39;

Happy birthday Susanna – you hot piece of a **.

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